and STARTLING PREDICTIONS for the 2010 ACADEMY AWARDS!

Written by Daria Sellon McQuade
Illustration by Patrick J. McQuade

To clarify, I wanted Moon starring Sam Rockwell to be nominated and win everything, but no one gives a damn about that movie so this is what we have to work with; Aliens, more aliens and, even worse, George Clooney and Sandra Bullock. Rent Moon instead of watching the Academy Awards this year and win a free 3 month subscription to Royal Flush! If you don’t like Moon, you still win something. We can all be winners by skipping the Academy Awards and watching virtually anything else (I suggest Hoarder’s on A&E).

District 9 Vs Avatar

I’m of the opinion that all aliens are shady, and only want to come to earth to steal our natural resources like xantham gum and Vitamin Water. Make your own shit, aliens! Don’t come and make problems for Africa either, because they have enough to deal with.

Aliens should be stirring shit up on Saturn, Mars, or better yet Uranus. (Zing! I hate you aliens). However I still favored the District 9 prawns over Avatar’s Na’vi. The Na’vi made me uncomfortable with their tree obsession. It made me worried that they will someday come to Earth and steal our trees after we blow up theirs. While the Prawns made me fondly recall the shellfish platter at Red Lobster, the Na’vi made me feel bad about my body (Why am I so short and stout?).

Further examples of Avatar-related guilt one might experience; the innocent hobby of gathering fireflies in an airtight jar, or the wondrous, scientific curiosity that compels me to pour salt on slugs. Both healthy and adorable traditions among human beings here on PLANET EARTH. District 9 for the win!

Precious

Precious’ Mom (starring Mo’Nique) is pretty amazing in this. She’s like Satan, and not in a fun, metal way. I would like to try and take her in a cage fight but she would beat the living shit out of me before I even stepped out of the car in front of the building with the cage in it. In the end poor Precious walks away with the HIV cocktail and they don’t show it but I’m betting her Mom gets the HBO and Showtime package.

I didn’t spoil anything for you in this review, there are PLENTY more horrific things to entertain or depress you. I like this movie because I left the theater thinking “Aliens could have invaded this movie and Precious’ Mom would have taken them all out, and still had time to steal her family’s welfare checks.” Feel Good movie of the year!

The Blind Side

I wish I had been (temporarily) blind and deaf while watching this movie. Then I could have just imagined Sandra Bullock attempting a Texas accent and imagined her spontaneously combusting during a sassy yet wise monologue directed at her black friend/experiment.

Last time I saw Sandra Bullock in Crash she was a lonely, wealthy woman realizing that her mexican maid was her only friend. Do you see a pattern here? Because I do. The pattern is in the shape of an Oscar with Sandra Bullock holding it. If she wins for this I’m just gonna go lie down and read a magazine. Maybe I will do the dishes or something. Then I will come back and watch District 9 not win anything.

Up Vs Up in the Air

Up starts off sort of sad with a little old man whose wife has died. He comes “Up” with an amazing idea to hitch thousands of balloons to his house and fly to South America. It doesn’t matter that it’s technically impossible because A) this is a cartoon and is allowed to be illogical and B) I’ve tried this a bunch of times and someday it’s gonna work. I didn’t watch the other movie. Clooney is supposedly a big leading man lady killer. Not to me. John C. Reilly should have been in this, or Steve Buscemi. Somebody should tie a million balloons to George Clooney and float him away.

Inglorious Basterds

In the same way I’d prefer to see John C. Reilly in every film, I’d like any movie with a plot to kill Hitler in it. Would I rather have seen Mo’Nique roll up her TV Guide, stick it in Hitler’s mouth, set it on fire and then kick him down a flight of stairs? Sure. But excluding that thrilling scenario I just thought up off the top of my head, I will say that Brad Pitt’s voice coach is excellent in this and it made me wish scalping would come back in style. Maybe it will! Tarantino* movies have resurrected many a career, why not a gruesome yet spiritual tradition? (The Na’vi have theirs and we proud American Indians have ours**).

*I bet he wins best screenplay. I hope he does, because if The Blind Side wins that or anything else I’m never, ever watching the Academy Awards again until next year.

**Salting slugs

A Serious Man/An Education

A Serious Man is seriously awesome. It’s the first Jewish horror movie ever and the ending is so scary that even if you’re not Jewish (but you are a hypochondriac with tendencies toward whining) you will be like “OH SHIT!, No they DIDN’T!” (If you are Jewish you can say “Oi Peyes!”).

I didn’t see An Education because I don’t like the idea of being educated by Peter Saarsgard or anybody else for that matter (Except maybe Mo’Nique).

The Hurt Locker

I was excited to see Guy Pearce in this, then he blew up. I was excited to see Ralph Fiennes, then he was shot in the stomach. Basically, no one lives more than 5 minutes into their scene in this movie. What if I blew up in the middle of reviewing The Hurt Lock-*

*I ended the review to imply that I blew up.

In summation, my Oscar predictions for 2010, in some kind of order:

• Best Movie: A Serious Man
• Best Aliens: District 9
• Best Actress: Mo’Nique
• Best Actor: Mo’Nique or John C. Reilly (Not nominated you say? He is one of the Prawns in District 9. Trust me. He killed in it.)
• Best Screenplay: Inglorious Basterds
• Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow
• Best Makeup: Anything except Avatar
• Best Costume Design: District 9 (Fierce!)
• Best Animated Film: Up! Not to be confused with the Up in the Air. If that wins than I will throw my TV out the window, Mo’nique-style.

Mo’Nique should just win every Oscar this year. But when James Cameron gets up to accept for anything and he starts talking too much (which is inevitable), instead of the music starting up, they should have her sneak up behind him and clock him in the head with a cast iron pan.

That’d be good television.

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More writing from Daria Sellon McQuade at”Cuz I Eats Me Spinach” cuzieatsmespinach.blogspot.com

More artwork from Patrick J. McQuade at patrickjmcquade.com or his blog “Mysterious Biscuit” for a

behind-the-scenes look at his artwork at pjmcquade.blogspot.com

It features a sweet “sketch to final, making of” video, which can also be seen HERE on Vimeo.
Check us out on FACEBOOK – Join up for more sizzling web content and Flush updates!

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Beautiful, horrifying, demonic, and amazing are just a few words that come to mind when I hear the name Avelina De Moray.  I had the honors of conducting a very intricate interview with this amazing artist.  I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Just like most girls you know, I am no exception. I [heart] cute and cuddly things! I also [heart] seeing cute cuddly things do some pretty gruesome stuff.

I’ve broken it down to a pretty simple equation:
(Cute + Cuddly) ^Gore = Awesome!

The Happy Tree Friends are a perfect example. The Tree Friends are a group of cutesy woodland creatures that are always getting completely disemboweled. Each cute-filled episode ends in a miraculously, glorious blood bath. It’s absolutely hilarious and probably makes me seem like a really sick and twisted kid. Judge all you want but I found the same thrill while playing through Fairytale Fights.

Most may not know what Fairytale Fights is, and I don’t blame you. This game sort of fell below the radar and that’s kind of sad because the game is fairly descent and fun. Fairytale Fights is able to provide a unique look at a few well known characters in the fairy tale world. It was able to break through the monotony of FPS and music games. I’m a music and rhythm game addict (Have you read my other game posts?), so it was nice to play a hack and slash blood bath.

But I digress. Back to the game.

Fairytale Fights is an extremely cute platformer that allows you to play as one of four popular fairy tale characters: Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs), Jack (Jack and the Beanstalk), Little Red (Little Red Riding Hood), and the Emperor (The Emperor’s New Clothes). And yes folks, the Emperor is naked!

As the story goes, someone has stolen the spotlight away from our four heroes and has left each of them a wee bit angry and craving the glory that they used to have. It is now your job to take one of these forgotten characters and bring them back into the spotlight by creating a brand new story. In this new story, you’ll have a storyteller following you; writing the details of your epic journey. He’ll be watching you along the way, detailing your travels as well as your battles. So, be sure to spill as much blood as possible.

But that should be easy.

The game provides a vast assortment of weapons to choose from. Some being traditional, like a knife, ax, gun and bat. While those are fun and all, I found joy in using the weirder assortment of weapons. You know, a half eaten lollipop, a bone, and a small furry creature I just pummeled with my fists. Anything you find along the way can be used as a lethal weapon and allows any imagination to run wild.

The only thing I hated was the camera. There was no way me to take control of the camera which leaded to some very frustrating platforming bits. I couldn’t tell where to jump and often spent a look of time just getting from one point to the other. But I found the solution to that, and what made this game an instant favorite for me: Co-op. You’ll be able to play through the entire game with a buddy. So, all those difficult jumping parts weren’t as frustrating with a buddy around to help you get across. And, to be honest, the game become uber fun with a friend. You’ll be able to poke fun at the blood battle going on screen as well as show off your most awesome kills through the kill cam. I must admit that the kill cam did get in the way at times, since the battle would still take place behind the screen blocking kill cam.

There is a multiplayer element to the game but since the manual didn’t really explain what I was supposed to do, I quickly abandoned it.

I know that if you google this game, you’ll probably get a ton of reviews saying how boring this game is. I absolutely loved this game. I did get frustrated at times because I couldn’t get through the jumping parts but that’s just cause I’m just not a platformer gal. I could never jump in games and I try to avoid it at all costs but there’s something unique to this game that is quite refreshing. This is just one girl’s opinion.

Excerpts from Pat McQuade’s Blog

HOT OFF THE DIGITAL PRESS!

I did the illustrations in my new digital style and Josh designed the stellar backdrops and killer slogans. Can u guess what font he used? Hint – it’s a beverage. This was all inspired by all the late night madness to support Conan, and by Mike Mitchell’s terrific “I’m with COCO” art and poster. These particular slogans “FREE BIRD” and “FRENEMY” were the result of intense deliberations by the Royal Flush Team. Thank you Mike and Chanks for your great ideas! Along with producing a gorgeous, entertaining magazine, annually for now, Royal Flush is committed in 2010 to creating kick-ass weekly web content as well. So stay tuned… Find us on the web, or Facebook and see for yourself. Join the merry, sarcastic throng!

Well, NBC screwed up BIG TIME and Conan is paying the price, losing the job he’d always dreamed of having. Sad. But, if you saw the last episode of Conan’s Tonight Show, you know this guy’s head is in the right place. And he’s going to be bigger than ever when he comes back on TV. You can’t help but root for him. He ended his run with an unforgettable show (ex. sloth skeleton from the Smithsonian spraying beluga caviar onto an original Picasso) and with a heartfelt, classy monologue about the whole situation with NBC.

He took the high road, then promptly strapped on a guitar and strode forth into an star-studded version of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s anthem “Free Bird”, featuring Will Ferrell on vocals, backed by, amongst others, ZZ Topp, Beck and Ben Harper. Whatta killer close!!! That’s how you do it!!

Conan is primed to rise again, to even further heights, hopefully soon in the Fall of 2010. However, his “Frenemy” Jay Leno comes off looking scummy, with blood stains on his half moon chin, all the while saying that him and Conan are friends and he feels really bad about it. Right…

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer…chin distance!! Why didn’t Jay just say to NBC “The Tonight Show is Conan’s. I’ll go find somewhere else to do my thing.” The rationalization Jay gave Oprah was fuzzy math. It wasn’t the truth. Leno saw an opportunity and took it. Good for him. The true baddies are NBC. But going along with something still makes you complicit in the act.

Below is a look into the making of the illustrations. Started with sketch, black inks, digital coloring and a lot of elbow grease.

FRENEMY Step-by-Step

FREEBIRD Step-by-Step

O’Brien getting the Tonight Show was a bold statement, clearly trying to shift an old institution to the next generation. Conan never got the chance to make it succeed, but he is THE talk show host for this generation. NBC will regret this decision for decades to come.

Join the Facebook Fan pages for FREEBIRD and FRENEMY.

See more of Pat McQuade’s art:

• patrickjmcquade.com
• pjmcquade.blogspot.com

I just realized that I never posted up my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed II. It’s only after I purchased the recently released DLC of “Battle of Forli” that I remembered that I had this draft sitting around, just itching to be published.

It’s been awhile since I played through the first game but ever since I finished Assassin’s Creed, I had been longing to get my hands on the next installment. I endlessly checked through the forums. I watched in awe as it was demo’d at last year’s E3 event. I repeatedly watched the teaser videos that were released prior to the game’s release. I was pumped!

Everything I had seen, read or heard had me eagerly anticipating the next chance to re-enter the Animus and unravel the secrets of the Assassins and Templars. Unfortunately; I, personally, found a lot of disappointments.

As in the original Assassin’s Creed, we continue the next chapter in the story arc as Desmond. He has escaped the templars and has relocated to a new secret location housed by the Assassins. It is here that Desmond begins shifting through the memories of a new ancestor: Ezio Auditore da Firenze.

Now here is where things begin to deviate a little from the previous installment.

Ezio is the complete opposite of Altair. Ezio is inexperienced and lacks finesse. He absolutely annoys the player with the fact that he is not at all stealthy. But who can blame him? Ezio had no idea about his assassin roots and it clearly shows! I will forgive the game developers for not letting me have a moment’s peace while I try to survey the towns and forcing me to enter into countless fights with the local guards. I get it. Ezio’s not an assassin and he’s not really trying to become a great one either. Fine.

Ignoring the fact that I can’t be remotely as steathly as I was in the first game, Assassin’s Creed II has some things that is does really well. For example, the cities are absolutely goregous! It’s amazing how much detail went into the creation and accuracy of all the buildings. But I will ignore how obivious the courtesans were. Last time I checked, courtesans were supposedly discreet. I mean the game even tells me so. But whatever. Let’s move on the the good stuff.

The story and voice acting are incredibly engaging. I found myself muting my XBox Live party just so that I would be able to hear every Italian syllable.

But with all the pretty visuals and story, I was constantly distracted with annoying missions that I found myself having to sit through and dicpher for hours. By the time I finally figured out what I was supposed to do, I was too tired or frustrated to even play anymore! I know that the developers were proud of the fact that the game was organic and that the missions would naturally come out of the story but didn’t anyone else notice the pattern of the missions? Race through some buildings or long hallway where you have to jump your way to success, go collect something I need so I can help you, then assassinate this dude and finally repeat. I could be alone in this but I felt like I was doing the same 3 type of missions in each memory sequence. And I have asked others that played the game and they didn’t notice the pattern. So, I could be alone on this.

Oh, and speaking of assassinations. It was extremely disappointing to set yourself up for a stealth kill only to learn that the game doesn’t want or allow you the opportunity to perform a stealthy kill. What the hell! Really? I went through the entire game just assassinating people and frantically running away because all the guards knew who I was! That’s not really satisfying.

But instead of bitching more about the game, I’ll just link you to Zero Puncuation’s review. I’m pretty much on the same page as him. I think Assassin’s Creed II was a good game but I personally found it a bit disappointing. The story was great, but the gameplay just wasn’t up to par.

I’ll skip the grading for this one…

Last week we saw a world divided. Brother fought brother, mom shunned sister, host mocked host. Yeah, we all pledged our allegiances but now with battles won and to the victors the spoils, we the public have gone soft.

Royal Flush calls to you now to once and for all CHOOSE YOUR SIDES!

QuestionsView Results

Shocking as it may be, most rock & roll songs are really secretly about ANAL! Royal Flush’s probing look into rock’s dirty past!

By Josh Bernstein, illustration by Sean Pryor

We start at the dawn of rock & roll itself. Three brave rock pioneers named Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash and Little Richard broke through racial barriers, class barriers, but most importantly they secretly also broke some anal barriers. Little Richard came in first with his 1956 butt-buster “Rip it Up,” pleading to “ball tonight.”

The King wasn’t far behind when he not only recorded, but made an entire movie called “Jailhouse Rock,” where inmates where instructed to use wooden chairs in lieu of “partners!” The real high-(brown) water mark for this era was Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire,” where his wife June Carter Cash penned such poetry as “love is a burning thing, and it makes a fiery ring.” Proving Cash almost could have been called the Man in Brown.

The British Invasion saw a new sound, a new look, and most certainly a new twist on anal. The Beatles’ “Get Back,” Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eyed Girl” and Herman’s Hermits “Mrs. Brown, You Have a Lovely Daughter” were highlights of this British Anal Invasion.

In the ’70s, America tried to reclaim the booty after losing much of it to the skinny Brits in the late ’60s. BTO’s “Taking Care of Business,” Crystal Gayle’s “Don’t it Make Your Brown Eyes Blue,” Nazareth’s “Love Hurts” and Tom Petty’s “Don’t Do Me Like That” gave a new life to what had become a broken-down Hershey Highway. John Mellencamp’s 1982 ode to Brown-Town, “Hurts So Good,” doesn’t pull any donkey-punches with its bawdy lyrics: “Sometimes love don’t feel like it should, UGHH, hurt so good!” A true
bone-smuggling anthem for the ages.

The ’90s would be known as the grunge decade, and nothing is grungier than the arse. Harder times called for harder songs about fudge-packing. Metallica’s “Wherever I May Roam,” Alice in Chains’ “Down in a Hole” and Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” took music to a much deeper, darker realm.

This era would also produce its first-ever anti-anal blockbuster. Meat Loaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love, But I Won’t Do That!” It’s a tad ironic, that in the grand scheme of things, that the biggest anti-anal jam of all-time was written by a man named Meat Loaf! ♠

We’re really hoping that Hollywood picks up The Fifth Sense, Mac and Charlie’s Dolph Lundgren movie from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In our own Shyamalan twist, we’ve gone ahead and story-boarded the movie’s trailer…

Context? Hulu

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Who could be madder than the Motor City Madman?

The ‘Nuge got on the famed Royal Flush couch for a therapy session straight to the heart of darkness! He’s tried and he’s true; he’s Ted, white and blue!

WHO ARE YOU HATING MOST THESE DAYS, MISTER NUGENT?
Pam Anderson. Pam, if you get the dick out of your mouth for 2 minutes, you’re telling me I can’t eat venison? You don’t authorize venison? Here’s the point, this is what I want somewhere in your little interview. My name is Ted Nugent and because of Pam Anderson and because of Bill Maher and because of Paul McCartney, all the members of Peta, whenever I hear the word animal or rights in the same paragraph, I’m killing an extra hundred of something this year. I have unlimited deer tags in Michigan and Texas, and I don’t even need to kill them really, but I’m going to for Bill Maher. I’m not just killing them I’m fucking slaughtering them and I’m going to gut them and skin them, quarter them and butcher them and feed them to the soup kitchen and homeless shelters of America. Not because I need to, because it will cause Bill Maher to shit blood. That’s my goal in life.

YOU REALLY DISLIKE BILL MAHER…
I’m gonna take off one of my Deep Vibram sole boots and I’m gonna take out my knife and I’m gonna scrape the remains of dead vermin onto his desk and he can find out where his rights start. It’s funnier than Richard Pryor on fire. I’m stymied to come up with anything funnier than people who think animals have rights. Just stick an arrow through their lungs.

I THINK THAT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA SHOULD BE PUT IN JAIL

EVER THOUGHT OF TRYING TO GO VEGAN?
If I really wanted to maximize the death toll, I would go into business creating tofu for the vegetarians. ’Cause in order to create tofu, you have to take that wonderful giant tractor, you have to go across that field and every songbird, every gopher, every squirrel, every turtle, every rabbit, every mouse, every shrew, every snake, every bug, everything there must die.

In order to go full tofu, you have to have 100% complete annihilation of all life forms. To the vegetarians, how deep is the cloak of denial? How can you pretend that Paul McCartney isn’t responsible for killing anything? I kill stuff one arrow at a time. Meanwhile, Paul McCartney, master of the final solution, only thinks of his tofu consumption. I believe that every bowl of tofu is responsible for the death of billions of things. I can’t compete with that and I can’t compete with Paul McCartney’s death toll.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THE CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE?
I see this self-imposed suicidal curse of political correctness when I hear an entire segment of this country chanting for Barack Hussein Obama that won’t do anything for our country. But they will scream and whine what the country must do for them. It breaks my heart.

SO, OBAMA SUPPORTERS ARE WHINY, DO-NOTHING INGRATES?
I see gluttony and slovenliness and laziness and a lifestyle of bloodsucking actually becoming legitimate job descriptions in this country and I can elaborate on that if you need me to. I mean, I can go into the soullessness.Politics are where we the people make a determination, not some Nazi brown-shirt hurting Jews on the trains. And that’s the difference between America and every place else.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OBAMA?
I think that Barack Hussein Obama should be put in jail. It is clear that Barack Hussein Obama is a communist. Mao Tse Tung lives and his name is Barack Hussein Obama. This country should be ashamed. I wanna throw up.

WOW- SO WHERE DOES ONE LIVE FREE, LIKE A REAL AMERICAN, MISTER NUGENT?
Texas! I left Michigan and I moved to Texas, where they don’t rape and pillage my paycheck. And where I can keep a machine gun in the front seat of my vehicle. Mess with me and I will fill you full of lead and then dance on your remains and keep the shit from your carcass in the cleats of my boots while I feed my dog your remains. You can feel the love, can’t you?

ARE YOU HAPPY IN YOUR LIFE?
I’m the luckiest son of a bitch to ever scare white people with an electric guitar.

WHY DO YOU HUNT?
The last pure perfect function of mankind. And that’s killing deer and eatin’ ‘em. It’s perfect. It’s untouchable on all levels. Unless  you’re retarded…

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF SOMEONE STEPPED ON YOUR LAWN?
Trespass on my property and I will kill you. Now, that may seem harsh, but that’s tough shit. Because ­ guess what ­ nobody’s getting killed, and nobody’s trespassing. It’s working perfectly.

WHO DO YOU RESPECT THE LEAST?
Pimps, whores and welfare brats are not legitimate job descriptions. Welfare isn’t supposed to be used for hairdos. If you need food stamps, eat the fucking pet!

WHENEVER I HEAR THE WORLD ANIMAL OR RIGHTS IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH, I’M KILLING AN EXTRA HUNDRED OF SOMETHING

DO YOU ENJOY THIS LINE OF QUESTIONING?
My brain is gonna squirt through the phone lines and stain your face.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE THAT DISAGREE WITH YOU OPINIONS?
Whatever! I am always right and I am addicted to logic. Jann Wenner won’t do a story on my sold-out tour this year because I’m on the board of directors at the NRA. Jann Wenner should die.

YOU GOTTA CALM DOWN, NUGE!
No! I’ll never calm down. I’ll play country music if I calm down. What the fuck. If you’re not having a good time with Ted Nugent, you’re the one that’s mentally deranged!

TED, DO CARTOON ANIMALS HAVE RIGHTS?
They’re the ones that should have rights. Bambi and Thumper are just adorable and you can’t eat celluloid. I am pro-cartoon animal rights. I think they should all be colorized and that the Road Runner cartoons should be shown in school to teach students violence from Acme. Support the Acme Violence Jihad!! ♠

In this season of hope and good will toward men, ROYAL FLUSH would like to remind you that we have plenty of crap available on our Merch page for that special someone in your life.

Be he a rock n’ roll aficionado, an action movie junkie, or just simply a 38 year old moron that still lives in his mom’s basement.

‘Tis the season to Give some FLUSH!

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