30 Days in the Hole!

Shocking as it may be, most rock & roll songs are really secretly about ANAL! Royal Flush’s probing look into rock’s dirty past!

By Josh Bernstein, illustration by Sean Pryor

We start at the dawn of rock & roll itself. Three brave rock pioneers named Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash and Little Richard broke through racial barriers, class barriers, but most importantly they secretly also broke some anal barriers. Little Richard came in first with his 1956 butt-buster “Rip it Up,” pleading to “ball tonight.”

The King wasn’t far behind when he not only recorded, but made an entire movie called “Jailhouse Rock,” where inmates where instructed to use wooden chairs in lieu of “partners!” The real high-(brown) water mark for this era was Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire,” where his wife June Carter Cash penned such poetry as “love is a burning thing, and it makes a fiery ring.” Proving Cash almost could have been called the Man in Brown.

The British Invasion saw a new sound, a new look, and most certainly a new twist on anal. The Beatles’ “Get Back,” Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eyed Girl” and Herman’s Hermits “Mrs. Brown, You Have a Lovely Daughter” were highlights of this British Anal Invasion.

In the ’70s, America tried to reclaim the booty after losing much of it to the skinny Brits in the late ’60s. BTO’s “Taking Care of Business,” Crystal Gayle’s “Don’t it Make Your Brown Eyes Blue,” Nazareth’s “Love Hurts” and Tom Petty’s “Don’t Do Me Like That” gave a new life to what had become a broken-down Hershey Highway. John Mellencamp’s 1982 ode to Brown-Town, “Hurts So Good,” doesn’t pull any donkey-punches with its bawdy lyrics: “Sometimes love don’t feel like it should, UGHH, hurt so good!” A true
bone-smuggling anthem for the ages.

The ’90s would be known as the grunge decade, and nothing is grungier than the arse. Harder times called for harder songs about fudge-packing. Metallica’s “Wherever I May Roam,” Alice in Chains’ “Down in a Hole” and Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” took music to a much deeper, darker realm.

This era would also produce its first-ever anti-anal blockbuster. Meat Loaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love, But I Won’t Do That!” It’s a tad ironic, that in the grand scheme of things, that the biggest anti-anal jam of all-time was written by a man named Meat Loaf! ♠

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