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A Doughy Britney Sleepwalks On Stage At VMAs

A Doughy Britney Sleepwalks On Stage At VMAs

We can poke fun at the once luscious Britney Spears for hours what with all her public unravelings being caught on tape and film by the relentless paparazzi.

I would probably be red faced too if my entire life was documented at every waking hour. For such things I can feel for the poor 25 year old has-been. But if you are going to freely step on stage only months after a complete mental breakdown and truly stammering fall form grace, shouldn’t it be to grab the world by the balls and say “fuck ya’ll, I’m back”?

Well, this might have been the intent but was surely not the out come. An obviously heavier yet more scantily clap B-Spear stepped on stage at this Sunday’s MTV VMA Awards Show to a packed house of her peers and lack lusterously slumped through an agonizing three minute snooze fest leaving just about everyone that viewed scratching their heads.

To say Britney has let herself go would be cruel and unusually cruel, even from the mouth’s of the Royal Flush crew. I’d be lying if I said she was fat. By normal girl on the street terms Britney would definitely have garnered some head turns but this is Britney Spears we’re talking about. The jail bait, pants shrinker that only years ago made boys and men stare slack jawed as she gyrated in her little school girl outfit to her break through hit “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)“.

But couple this out of shape fallen star with an exceptionally lazy “dance” performance and a more obvious than usual lip-synch job and we find our selves wondering “what are you even doing here?”.

Half way through this train wreck I noticed a failed attempt to camouflage her not-quite-in-shapeness in the form of larger than usual backup dancers. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during that executive decision.

VMZ Director – “Brit’s lookin a lil… healthier these days…”
Manager – “Isn’t she though?”
VMA Director – “Um, by healthy I meant… um… fat.”
Manager – “Hey now!”
VMA Director – “Well, she does.”
Manager – “Er… Ok, well what do we do than?”

Three minutes of silence

Manager – “I got it!!! we’ll hirer fat backup dancers! She’ll look thinner by comparison!”
VMA Director – “…Oh… Kay…”

We as Americans are a ruthless bunch, we love seeing our heroes fall. It makes us feel better about our meger existence to see the mighty fall. Britney has lived out her soap opera life in front of our very eyes and it has been a sad one, bad decision after bad decision. For fuck’s sake, she was with Justine Timerlake, a dude who (whether you like his music or not) has been a pretty awesome bit of Hollywood and she ends up with K-Fed.

But I’m not going down that road instead I’m reminded of a bet I had with a friend a few years ago. Sensing a collapse and fresh off of seeing the movie Saved I bet that Mandy Moore would have a longer career than Britney Spears. Looks like I’m winning, Jay you own me ten bucks!