The cream-dream tour of Dethklok and Mastodon is about to kick off, but will they even survive the press conference?
By Josh Bernstein & Brandon Small, photos by Jimmy Hubbard
Someone up there must truly like us… may it be God, or Satan, or even the EA video game company. It was just announced that the most brutal North American tour with Dethklok, stars of the animated Adult Swim series, Metalocalypse, and Mastodon will be be teaming up for an extensive, 39-city, North American tour. High on Fire and Converge round out the bill, so you get an idea of just how much of a “holy shit!” moment this really is.
Nathan Explosion, William Murderface, Skwisgaar Swigelf, Toki Wartooth and Pickles better known as Dethklok have forgotten more about metal than you’ll ever know. Upon hearing that these two metal titans would be doing battle every night for an entire tour, we invited Dethklok to Flush HQ for a for a full-court press conference. Finally, we the press could ask these “artists” the type of hard-hitting questions that are so sorely lacking in today’s comedy-based zine community.
How did this tour come together?
PICKLES: We let hungry children around the world choose our co-headliners.
NATHAN: And they kept asking for food.
PICKLES: Yeah and they kept asking for food. . .
NATHAN: So we decided on Mastodon.
Wait ― Who’s headlining? How did you guys decide?
SKWISGAAR: We release a falcons into the nights and whosevers tour bus he shits on has to opens for de others.
TOKI: Yeah it’s a Scandanavians things.
What can we expect to see on this tour?
NATHAN: The big FIVE
- and Fire
Any words of warning for your tourmates in Mastodon?
TOKI: Don’ts use de bathsrooms afters Murdersface.
MURDERFACE: I would agree with that.
Describe the typical Dethklok fan, if you will.
PICKLES: Gigantic fake basketball-sized tits and a huge dick.
SKWISGAAR: Or beautifuls sluts with paternity suits.
MURDERFACE: C’mon, let’s be honest. It’s a bunch of dudes… thousands of fucking dudes… with tribal tattoos or South Park shirts.
What’s a must have on this tour’s Dethklok’s rider?
NATHAN: Cool Ranch Doritos.
PICKLES: Grape Jell-O.
NATHAN: We’re white trash. We never lose touch with our roots.
MURDERFACE: I can’t do a show without my after-show toothpick thats been dipped in angel dust and LSD and Tabasco. . .
PICKLES: Diet crystal meth.
NATHAN: A horse carcass.
Whose audience has more male virgins, yours or Mastodon’s?
PICKLES: That’s a toughie. But at the end of the day, if you’re a TRUE die-hard fan of Dethklok’s, I’d have to believe you’ve never known the love of a beautiful woman.
Have you guys ever considered face tattoos?
NATHAN: It’s a good way to get out of working at a Joe job for a living… I would rather tattoo my face than have to be a regular jackoff.
PICKLES: I would consider that…
MURDERFACE: Dudes, I would.?
What are the chances this tour will be covered on a blog?
NATHAN: I’m blogging about it as I answer this…
PICKLES: Yeah we’ll blog. But no fucking Twittering.
MURDERFACE: Twittering is for pussies!
NATHAN: Yeah it is. We think it’s double gay. That’s why we’re considering closing our Twitter account.
Can this tour be any hipper?
NATHAN: Ugh. I hate that you said that.?
PICKLES: Me too. And it’s because you’re right.
MURDERFACE: Hey fucker, it’s not like we’re touring with MGMT or anything, fuck… ♠